to love her is to love me

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busy. so busy. i’m wondering if allowing so many things in your life is such a good thing. sometimes you just have to sit back and take a breath. breathe in and out. get rid of all the noise, even just for a few moments. when i do that, i see a glimpse of another way to live. one that is sustainable. one that can define my life in a better way.

i hesitate writing because we all speak so many different languages. one thing may be misunderstood by another. (rightfully so) we use different words. things mean different things to different people. and i hate explaining myself. but i’m starting to wonder about my hatred of explaining myself. what about the people that don’t understand? i’m starting to care more about those people. in a way that isn’t even motivated by wanting to be “liked” or “appreciated”, but in a way that understands, more than ever before, that the people around me are beautiful. that they have something to contribute that is valuable and of worth. their opinions, these perspectives, these languages, and varying colors are not to be taken lightly. i need them… and they need me.

no one can prevent me from living out my destiny. this is a pretty big deal, because if this is true, than i can alleviate the pressure i put on others and only worry about what things i can change in myself. the main goal is not that everything and everyone would operate perfectly efficient at all times: treating you well, giving you opportunity, befriending you, etc. the goal is that we would be unified and honor each other. to love one other even if we may not be making the best decisions or doing all the right things. (vise and versa). the real miracle, (thank you life lesson from jesus 2009) is that I would be transformed. that we ALL would be transformed. the real miracle is that we would be healed through the chaos. what do you think would give Jesus more glory? what would move his heart more? that we would have flawless relationships? seamless histories? perfectly efficient operations? ministries that work like well-oiled machines with no room for mistakes that could hurt someone?  or would it be to find healing so we can love each other and find freedom in messy and even painful circumstances? even more so, what would it mean to fall in love with a messy church, like Jesus did? to fall so helplessly in love her that you wanted to make her your LOVE? your bride? even to the point where you would give your life up for her. to forfeit your reputation, like Jesus did? to humble yourself, even when you feel right. to serve when no one is serving you, to feel like you can afford to wait longer, or maybe to stop trying so hard to manipulate a situation to get the outcome you so desire, because you finally believe that God would never gyp you? what if we really fell in love with the Bride of Christ the way Jesus did? that would be a miracle. in fact, i think THAT is our destiny. maybe its not to “become something great” -maybe our destiny is to very simply learn to love each other well no matter what.

when i met my husband, i fell wonderfully in love with him. when we chose to get married i had to give up things to enter that kind of relationship and to express that love fully. but ironically, it was my joy to do that. then i had my daughter, emri. my heart became raw. i loved someone way more than myself. like 100 times more than myself. those who have kids know this: to love our kids, is to love us.  if you want to warm my heart, love my emri….and my heart will overflow. if you say you love me, and are disenchanted with her silly little antics and that precious twinkle in her eye when she smiles…forget loving me. in fact you can’t love me without loving her, for to love her is to love me.

i remember the day this little but (exceedingly monumental) concept hit my heart. it cut me to my heart. there was someone in my life at the time that was very difficult to love.  and jesus whispered to me, “i love her like you love emri.” and my heart sank. i had hurt the Father with my thoughts and my words about this girl. he said, “i love her, kerri. i love her.” and it made sense.

to love someone doesn’t mean to flatter. to love isn’t to enable. to love isn’t to act in superficial fluff or to flatter. sometimes loving is speaking the truth and knowing that it may be painful to the one who hears. sometimes love is ending a relationship. sometimes love is waiting to speak. sometimes love is enduring something painful.

sometimes love is pushing through the haunting thought of legalism and finding freedom and life in the living breathing person of Jesus in hours upon hours of sitting in silence before an opened bible that sometimes makes no sense! sometimes its staying in a relationship that stretches you and scourges out all the dirt that is toxic on your soul,  leaving you more whole. sometimes love is believing in a community when you are overlooked, and relationally starving. sometimes love is believing all things. enduring all things. hoping all things. and not counting wrongs. sometimes love is forgetting about your reputation and being courageous enough to love someone.  sometimes love is accepting what someone else offers  -even if its different than what you would offer.

learning to love like this. i think that’s my destiny.

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