sometimes i have the capacity to step back from my current circumstance with a perspective that exceeds the temporary. i tend to believe all circumstances point to a God that is designing something way beyond the here and now. sometimes i can see that. but sometimes my capacity is limited and i just can’t. i think even when circumstances are appalling and we have nothing left, even those circumstances point us to heaven.
since i have a three year old, i see God behind that and so a lot of what i’m learning is coming from living life with her. when i was just married, i saw God behind the way my husband loved me. i suppose, if he didn’t love me well, i would learn to see and experience God’s love for me, when no love was coming from a husband. i also see him when he teaches me how to love ben when its difficult. or when loves feels one sided at times. when i was single, i felt lavished in God’s love although i didn’t have a spouse. when things were difficult, and i made ridiculous choices, i saw God in that too. i saw him rescue me out of those situations. i saw God when ben and i made a big move to kansas city where we left our church, friends, and my job. i saw him in that. and i experienced what it meant to wait expectantly for him to bring us our community and for him to make kansas city feel like home again. he became my companion, my teacher, my love, and the one who rescued me out of everything. even though i was a mess. even though i’m still a mess.
but i am under the impression that all things cry out to a creator who wants us. every life stage directs our eyes to heaven. yet life is filled with so much stuff and noise it tends to block out the unseen. but there is a voice crying out when its quiet. i testify to this voice. it leads me when i can’t see why things are the way they are, or what to do next.
God is my rescuing knight.
as women, we can pretend we are way beyond wanting a rescuing knight. but i don’t think i buy that. my sweet emri unabashedly confesses her husband is jesus and she is convinced she is a princess. and i think that is just wonderful. and it reminds me of myself. of course i’m way beyond wearing pink dresses (i think) and twirling (maybe) to snow white playing on her cd player… but i still dream of an unseen God that will one day dress me up in a beautiful gown and bring me into a kingdom that will be so radiant i’ll probably collapse to me knees in disbelief as every broken spot within me begins to be made whole.
blessed be God, my mountain
who trains me
he’s the bedrock on which i stand,
the castle in which i live,
my rescuing knight
we had a little birthday part for emri this weekend. my dear, dear friend lisa gave this to her. she can’t stop twirling in it.