this week i had every intention of continuing my process on identity, however, this week was the pits for ben and i. and i certainly had no bearings as far as my identity goes. it almost seemed as though a thick, dark cloud was hanging over our house. it didn’t help that i had another negative pregnancy test. it didn’t help that i had to start another series of progesterone pills. ben, emri, and i went to dinner friday night. we stopped at target and ben and emri went looking for toys while i walked past the pregnancy test isle and couldn’t stop myself. i quickly purchased the cheapest box of pregnancy tests and went to the bathroom. negative. but i was just so hopeful. i thought i was okay with a negative test. i felt okay. but then tears came and i sat on the dirty floor of the target bathroom, leaned up against the door, and let myself cry for a bit. stood up. took a deep breath. quickly asked God to carry me because i certainly didn’t feel like having a long conversation with him. maybe i was mad at him. either way. i needed him to carry me. and somehow i knew he would. i went to go find ben and em. as soon as i saw them, i started up again. ben gave me his familiar look of warmth, love, and disappointment.
“i’m sorry, love.”
we decided i needed to buy a new pair of sandals. but they didn’t really make me that happy.
i think that’s when our dark cloud came. ben and i have been anticipating taking a day trip together this weekend. it was supposed to be today. sunday. my parents were going to take emri all day and possibly over night. but emri got really sick saturday afternoon. high, high fever. and ben and i were fighting off whatever she had so we were tired like zombies. not really talking and sort of acting like bumper cars in our little house. there went our day trip. we really needed it.
maybe its cause i’m a feeler, but when gloom comes… i really feel it. but i wasn’t alone. ben has been feeling the same way. i can’t really explain it. just gloom. so we’ve been pushing through it. and we started arguing a lot. and kind of acting annoyed with each other. i wasn’t very kind to ben. and i don’t think he was very kind to me. and we were really “off”.
but Jesus brought relief. emri started to feel better. and my mom called and asked if she could pick emri up for dinner.
so ben and i got to be together tonight alone. we were processing our confrontations for the day. i told ben this,
“we just have to look at each other right now and remember the way we have been acting towards each other isn’t who we really are.”
we sat and looked at each other like i said to. and for a second it was kind of healing. and then it started to feel cheesy and we both laughed. and the laugh was healing too.
i think that’s how God feels about us. he knows who we really are no matter how we are acting or how we are feeling. he sees us. and we don’t have to convince him or anyone else who we are or who we wish we were. because he already knows who we are. and that’s all that matters. he sees through our tantrums, our rebellion, and our disbelief in him.
relief comes. and until then, we are all carried. we just have to believe and wait.
here is a picture of my mom and emri walking to the car tonight. you might see a little girl over-joyed to be leaving with her grandma. and a grandma who loves her daughter and her grand daughter more than words can really express. which is true.
but, i see a God who loves his daughter more than words can express. a God who sent relief when i needed it most. a God who knows who i am, even when i don’t. when i see this picture, i’m reminded of my identity. i’m loved. and known. and not abandoned.