being sick has put me behind in what seems like a million things. i’m playing catch up right now. slowly but surely. several things have happened since i last posted. for instance,

we now have new, white subway tile in our bathroom.

i found out that emri likes to dip her grapes in hummus. -who would have known?

and i have this angst.

this uncomfortable feeling. it comes in waves. sometimes its strong and sometimes its quiet and in the background. but its a reminder that i’m not comfortable with life here. as wonderful as things are…and they truly are wonderful..

i was made for someplace else. i feel this tension. this tug of war between two worlds. heaven and here. and there is some kind of war between the two worlds. sometimes this war feels absolutely brutal. and other times i pretend it doesn’t exist. but it’s there. i really believe that it’s there

God knows its brutal. he never promised it wouldn’t be. he never promised that we wouldn’t experience loss, or fear, deep insecurity, or jealousy. he just promised that he wouldn’t leave us.

i feel like God is telling me something,

“i’m not going to give you over. you are mine.”

i think part of this angst, the part that i’m so thankful for, is that God doesn’t let me go too far. he does’t let me get comfortable very far from him. in this, i feel his jealousy over me. i know peace. i know God. and when i feel his peace leave me, i get my panties in a huge bunch. i can’t handle it. and his peace serves as a compass for my life.

mike breen once told us that an absence of His peace is like God blowing a whistle. it keeps us guided. its our light in a dark place.

when i heard that, i remember thinking… i totally identify with that. we would do well to get familiar with the motions of his spirit so when peace leaves us we can course correct until we find his peace again.

i’m addicted to his peace. i have to have it. or i’ll go crazy.

and i feel and sense his love and protection over me when he withdraws his peace. not like a superficial protection or a cozy kind of love. but like the kind of protection that frodo had in lord of the rings. like i have a badass fellowship fighting on my behalf. and as scary as sometimes it feels, i know i’m safe. not the kind of safe that nothing ever scary would ever happen to me. but the kind of safe that i know i’m doing what i was created to do. that i’m caught up in something way bigger than myself. my worst fear isn’t dying or getting hurt. my worst fear is not doing what i was created to do.

i feel a pull. on one end… i want to consume until it kills me. like i want money, success, and all things material. and then on the polar opposite…i just want to know God and give everything to him, and in return, possess everything i could ever imagine. when i find myself drifting into the first part, i find that i also experience insecurity, pride, fear, and greed. and all those things seem to destroy anything good inside me. and then when i pursue the God part, i find that i know who i am and have more joy and peace then anywhere else.

so i’m not sure how to conclude a post like this. i just know that i will fight for the peace of God in my life. somehow i trust that it will guide my family and i.


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