motherhood reflections

i didn’t know having a child was going to be so wonderful.

i also don’t think i realized how much it was going to cost me 😉

but its the best thing i’ve ever experienced.

i’ve given my life over to it.

ben and i were not trying to get pregnant when we found out we were going to have a baby. we had only been married for 9 months. we were living in lynchburg, virginia. in an old apartment, in an old, historic mansion sitting on a hill. on washington st.

 we sometimes grow nostalgic for our first, little home together. in the kitchen we had this gorgeous window that overlooked a little part of lynchburg. we would crawl out the window sometimes and sit on the roof drinking wine and eating popcorn…looking at the tops of trees.

we were crazy in love. i think its funny that we thought we loved each other then. it doesn’t really compare to the way we love each other now. we love each other a lot. i feel just as confident in his love for me as i do about my love for him.

though i do get mad at him. i over-react to more stupid things than i’d like to admit. but i love him deeply, and i need him. and my love for him has only grown. sometimes i feel so much for him i have to wrestle him -knock him to the ground a little. normal people do that stuff, right?

if you would have told me then, i was going to get pregnant that soon, i would have passed out.

if i would have known at the time what a little child would bring to our family, i would have been anticipating it like crazy.

emri has changed our world dramatically.

for the better.

i remember the conversation ben and i had in the car as we were taking little 7 pound emri home for the first time.

ben said,

“it kind of feels freeing to love someone besides myself so much.” which makes me laugh. i was thinking the same thing. we had no idea what we were going to do with this little bean in the backseat.

and so i became a mother.

me, a mother? i need a mother for the love. i couldn’t possibly be one.

 taking care of someone else besides just myself every day has been the biggest change.

i dress for two. i do hair for two. i do breakfast and lunch for two. i put on shoes for two. i shop for two. sometimes put on lip gloss for two. i buy movies at redbox for two. i buckle up for two. i purchase sunglasses for two. everything i do, i do for two.

of course there are three of us. but a good portion of the day, its little emri and i.

and i wouldn’t change it for anything. we’re best friends. i’m baffled at how much she reminds me of myself.  i wonder how in the world my mother navigated parenting me.  like just yesterday, i was talking to emri in the car and she says very politely, in a sweet little voice,

“momma, would you please stop talking to me?”

????

speechless.

it’s a wonderful journey though.

if i could think of one word to describe my feelings toward motherhood it would be

gratitude

deep, gratitude.

and its crazy how ben and i weren’t trying to get pregnant when we did.

and now we’ve been trying for what seems like forever, and we can’t.

she’s our little miracle. i’m thankful that God gave her to us when we were least expecting it.

i can’t think of a better gift.

He knew we needed her before we did.

my friend erin took this picture. i couldn’t tell you , for the life of me, what emri was telling me. i can only assume it must have been along the lines of her most recent, ” i can’t obey because my arms hurt.”

***

4 thoughts on “motherhood reflections

  1. to ruin a totally sentimental moment, i’m sure she was telling you about the black crow. 😉

    i’m so glad em is here. (for so many reasons, but mainly because it got you and ben here!) and that she has you for a mom! i remember praying for her in your absolutely adorable basketball belly. and now. your precious daughter who is gracious with me (most of the time) and my incessant squeezes. and kisses. she is SUCH a gift. and we’re the luckiest to get to live life with her and her antics. 🙂

  2. Haha…sadly I have to agree with Anna, it was about the black crow, but that just makes your intent face all-the-sweeter. Glad I got to be a part of the post. Love your mother self!

  3. oh man.
    I don’t think i laugh at anyone’s blog the way i laugh at yours. I love your stories. i love the way you talk about Ben. I love the way you talk about Emri. You making being a mom sound like such a blast and something i COULD maybe do…maybe. 🙂
    i wanna be like you when i grow up.

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