crazy b

being on progesterone sucks. i… am… a crazywoman. my poor husband. i’ve been so mad at him. and for nothing. he’s been so nice. i feel like i’m in a constant state of frizzy hair and scary eyes. i’m just waiting for him to do something wrong. and if he doesn’t, than i’ll use something lame as an excuse to be mad at him.

these are our conversations lately,

“ben, i’m sorry i’m being such a b#$&*.”

two seconds later.

“i’m sorry i’m a b#$%*”

and two seconds later

“i know, i’m a b#$%&. i’m so sorry”

i can apologize really well. but the bitchiness…i have no control it seems like. i’m deeply blessed that he has given me lots of gentle grace for all of my tantrums. he encapsulates God’s tender compassion on my life.

and emri. sweet little, sassy emri.

i got a little crazy on her as well yesterday. and in my defense, i was trying to bake and ice a cake and protect emri and sweet josie bear from the tornadoes around kansas city. that is not an easy thing to do.

i sort of lost it. i snapped at her. to be honest, i sort of growled. i didn’t know i could growl. and i made her cry.

i’m taking a deep breath as i type. its true.

and so i picked her up. and wrapped my arms around her. and i told her i was sorry. i told her that i shouldn’t yell at her like that and i was sorry for losing my temper.

and in this soft whimper she responded like this,

“oh, you lost it? you cannot find it?”

her watery eyes were looking all around the room for my temper.

i almost wanted to say,

“emri, i really don’t want to find it. i want it to be gone forever”

but instead, i was just comforted by her innocence.

my heart aches. i feel this little bubble of grace around me though as i’m trying to manage my hormonal imbalances and continue this journey of trying to get pregnant.

 many times this week i’ve cried out, “Holy Spirit, come and get me.”

and i hear him say,

“i’m already here.”

i almost want to quit.

but i’m not convinced this pregnancy battle is over.

i’m going to keep moving forward. progesterone pills and all. at least for now.

i’ll leave you with this picture of emri.

tuesday morning we were getting ready for school. i’m putting on my makeup in the bathroom. emri was in the middle of making a craft. she found these silver little sticky balls (i’m sorry, i don’t know what else to call them) and walks into the bathroom and says,

“momma?”

i look over and i see that she has placed a silver ball on her nose. just like her mamma.

whats funny is that she insisted she wear it to school. and she did.

***

13 thoughts on “crazy b

  1. Oh sweet ker. I love your heart. And your honesty. And your hope. And your hair isn’t frizzy, it’s glorious. And that Em, if a nose “poke” is the beginning of her wanting to be just
    Like mama, well then the world just got immensely more incredible!

  2. Don’t worry, you weren’t the only mama who lost her cool yesterday with the tornados. I was a complete nutcase. A nutcase who, in an effort to protect her baby girl, probably put her in more danger by driving – like a maniac – to my parents’ in the middle of the storm. But I don’t have the excuse of hormones messing with my brain matter like you do. I’m just authentically crazy.

  3. Hahaha…love that picture … And the fact that you let her wear the silver ball all day … AND the fact that your post is titled “crazy b” … c’mon Myers baby #2…mama needs a break!

  4. Long enough, God – you’ve ignored me LONG ENOUGH! I’ve looked at the back of your head long enough. Long enough I’ve carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain… Take a good look at me, GOD, my GOD; I want to look life in the eye, so no enemy can get the best of me or laugh when I fall on my face. I’ve thrown myself headlong into your arms – I’m celebrating your rescue. I’m singing at the top of my lungs, I’m so full of answered prayers.
    Psalm 13 in parts – MSG/Amanda version

  5. i love you! I pray a baby for you …. just at the perfect time, the sweet little myer babe to add to your stones…. you are delighted over, not forgotten and you are being heard.
    I love too, that she wanted to find your lost temper. is she so funny? I need to have evy watch these. Ev had the nose ball on when I walked into the room on Tuesday. It actually looked so cute! It was in perfect position. any way… love to you and emri.

    1. ally, thank you. these encouragements mean so much to me. so much.

      and i can confidently speak on behalf of my sisters that we would LOVE for you to be a walker sister. anytime. just come on over, little lost sister 😉

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