being on progesterone sucks. i… am… a crazywoman. my poor husband. i’ve been so mad at him. and for nothing. he’s been so nice. i feel like i’m in a constant state of frizzy hair and scary eyes. i’m just waiting for him to do something wrong. and if he doesn’t, than i’ll use something lame as an excuse to be mad at him.
these are our conversations lately,
“ben, i’m sorry i’m being such a b#$&*.”
two seconds later.
“i’m sorry i’m a b#$%*”
and two seconds later
“i know, i’m a b#$%&. i’m so sorry”
i can apologize really well. but the bitchiness…i have no control it seems like. i’m deeply blessed that he has given me lots of gentle grace for all of my tantrums. he encapsulates God’s tender compassion on my life.
and emri. sweet little, sassy emri.
i got a little crazy on her as well yesterday. and in my defense, i was trying to bake and ice a cake and protect emri and sweet josie bear from the tornadoes around kansas city. that is not an easy thing to do.
i sort of lost it. i snapped at her. to be honest, i sort of growled. i didn’t know i could growl. and i made her cry.
i’m taking a deep breath as i type. its true.
and so i picked her up. and wrapped my arms around her. and i told her i was sorry. i told her that i shouldn’t yell at her like that and i was sorry for losing my temper.
and in this soft whimper she responded like this,
“oh, you lost it? you cannot find it?”
her watery eyes were looking all around the room for my temper.
i almost wanted to say,
“emri, i really don’t want to find it. i want it to be gone forever”
but instead, i was just comforted by her innocence.
my heart aches. i feel this little bubble of grace around me though as i’m trying to manage my hormonal imbalances and continue this journey of trying to get pregnant.
many times this week i’ve cried out, “Holy Spirit, come and get me.”
and i hear him say,
“i’m already here.”
i almost want to quit.
but i’m not convinced this pregnancy battle is over.
i’m going to keep moving forward. progesterone pills and all. at least for now.
i’ll leave you with this picture of emri.
tuesday morning we were getting ready for school. i’m putting on my makeup in the bathroom. emri was in the middle of making a craft. she found these silver little sticky balls (i’m sorry, i don’t know what else to call them) and walks into the bathroom and says,
i look over and i see that she has placed a silver ball on her nose. just like her mamma.
whats funny is that she insisted she wear it to school. and she did.