i’ll trade it

i’m sitting on my bed reading and journaling. the socks i’m wearing have been on my feet for more than one day.

it is 10:00 am.

i’m in my jammy jams. (we all call them that right?)

and i’m sitting here trying to focus on the things in my life that i know are true and real.

i feel behind and distracted.

but i distinctly hear Jesus say to me,

“with what? what are you behind in?”

the tone was gentle. it always is.

my heart calmed. my breathing relaxed. i felt the warmth that i always do when i hear Him.

you’re right.

i usually put more on my plate than God does. i have greater expectations of myself than Jesus has. i work too hard for things that are meaningless to Him. i hear Jesus inviting me into something different. His rhythm is so different then the word’s rhythm around me.

there are these moments. that are just moments between me and Jesus. where he speaks to my heart or puts something in my vision. when my mind, body, heart, and environment all line up. and his voice is so clear.

and my response is always tears. vulnerable trust in something so much greater than i am.

because his voice is always clear in those moments. so powerful, but so gentle.

and my world shifts and i see him for who he really is. and i want to give him all that i have for everything he is.

i want to trade all of it.

for him.

and the joy i find as i experience and take in this invisible God cannot be compared with anything. anything.

and that joy is worth fighting for.

i love him.

i love Him with parts of me that i cannot even love ben, emri, or my family with.

its like i was created with a capacity to take in Jesus. and its deeper than anything i’ve ever known.

i love him.

and it seems trite to say i’m thankful because he is the reason i even move and live and have my being.

i write this because as i was reading 1 john, i couldn’t help but pick up my computer and type this out. i identify with paul when he wrote,

I john 1: 1-5

“that which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we looked upon and have touched with our hands, concerning the word of life (Jesus)

the life was made visible to us,

and we have seen it, 

and we speak to it,

and proclaim to you the eternal life which we have experienced and which we have seen and heard,

we proclaim to you,

so that you too may have this fellowship with us,

and indeed, our fellowship is with the Father, and his son, Jesus Christ.

we write these things, that your joy may be complete.

only Jesus completes my joy. he completes the aches in my heart and gives me the ability to find more joy in the things that matter.

i refuse to give my love, my affections, my time and resources, my life away to worthless things that are inconsequential and meaningless.

deep breath. i’ll trade the inconsequential for the joy Jesus is bringing me any day.

***

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