it seems like i’ve been more aware of my weakness lately. and to be honest, the more aware i become, the more aware i am of my insecurity. and insecurity seems to be hovering over me like a dark presence, whispering crude things to me continually. i confess that my infertility has made me feel weak. like i’ve lost my right as a woman and mother to bear precious little beings. precious little beings that i long for. and i feel broken. and that has led to insecurity. i feel as though insecurity sometimes eats away like cancer. and can be just as toxic as pride.
and i feel like our lost world denies the reality of our weakness subliminally and outwardly secreting the message every where that we need to speed up our lives and make it busy because if we keep consuming or keep spending our lives trying to produce so many creative and or money producing things that we will be competent and will gain a real sense of identity. blinding us from our pain and making us obsessed with whatever idols we have set up in our lives.
like a blind herd of cattle saying “more, more.” in a zombie like trance. ignorant of the things God has for them. so obsessed with what their world has to offer they can never hear the voice of Jesus. as long as they are moving with a bunch of others, they feel okay.
when i say “they” i do not exclude myself.
when i find myself stumbling in the midst of a mass consuming herd, i realize that i have been masking my pain with business and never really dealing with my weakness. because i don’t want to be weak. right? who wants to be weak? the herd says you can’t be weak! pretend your okay! don’t deal with with your weakness. every things fine.
but thankfully Jesus allows me to feel my pain. He allows my pain to be too great to be ignored. i can turn and realize i’m hurting and that nothing can heal me except for Jesus.
its just Him.
only He can.
because Jesus seems to speak another language. he says bizarre things like,
“blessed are those who are brokenhearted“
and He moves people like Paul to say ridiculous things like
“i wil not boast in anything other than my weakness.”
and Jesus responds with
“my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
i read that this morning. and the words just seemed to take root in my heart.
if Jesus’ strength is made perfect in weakness then what does that say about my life?
and as the words are echoing in my mind i’ve realized that i’ve been in denial. if His strength is made perfect in weakness, then why do i cover it up so much and try so hard to pretend or convince myself that i am strong?
have i robbed myself of the power of God?
i speak of my weakness confidently when i feel the presence of my Father so near that I’m swallowed up in His shadow. and His very being encloses me and i no longer know how broken i am. i just see Him and its as if nothing else matters. and if anyone would mock my brokenness or willingness to be transparent my response would only be,
“do you know who i belong to? Do you know he’s proud of me? Do you know how powerful he is? Do you know he fights on my behalf and that he is stronger than you?”
i refuse to boast in my strengths. because at some point, my own strength will abandon me.
today i’m proud of my weakness.