i’m gonna share on my blog some of the stuff ben and i are carrying right now.
its not a pitty party, okay? i think we are on a journey. and i’m pausing to process what we are doing. and part of the processing is sharing it with the world. because i believe that someone out there might benefit from it. and if one person does, than it its worth sharing.
here is one thing i know.
as my friend, laurisa ballew always says,
“God is faithful, and he loves me.”
so i process the difficulty in my life through that lens. which doesn’t mean that i don’t throw my own share of fits. i just don’t allow myself to land outside of that lens.
i have this stupid diagnosis called polycystic ovarian syndrome. basically, it means that my ovaries are a little out of whack and i do not ovulate hardly at all. very seldom do i get a period. i’m a bit broken.
i went to go talk to my infertility specialist. i told him i wanted to get off my medicine. i just needed a break, you know. it was just all too hard to keep doing.
his response was,
“listen, mother nature is a bitch. and forget getting pregnant if you get off medicine. and its only gonna get worse. you’ve got two options: we begin flushing your tubes, and start artificial insemination, or you get on birth control. you’ve GOT to manage this with medicine.
my internal response was,
yeah, how bout i argue with the guy who has spent the last 30 years of his life specializing in the endocrine system?
but i basically said i didn’t want either. mildly embarrassed i wasn’t taking his advice. what do i know, right?
i just knew i needed a break. we had been on ben’s insurance for the last year. 500.00 a month insurance. ridiculous.
so as we paused from the trying to get pregnant plan and all the medicine, we pulled me off of ben’s insurance.
and applied for an independent plan.
but i was denied coverage by blue cross and blue shield. like any coverage whatsoever.
i felt like some hopeless sick person.
and i work two part time jobs. and i’m losing one of them. and the income isn’t going to be enough to support our family.
so starting next month, our budget is going to be seriously tight. like count every penny, like maybe if we are lucky go to taco bell one night type thing.
and without insurance.
i started adhering to this budget the last month. and all these coping mechanisms surfaced. like, what will i do if i can’t go shopping for myself? will i survive? what happens if i can’t buy this or that? will my life be over? what if i have to say no to so many things that i hate saying no to? what if i have to get another part time job and have to be gone more this next year. what if em is my last child? can i handle two part time jobs?
will i ever freaking get a door to my bedroom? will i ever have a dining room? a bigger home? come on. everyone should have those things.
“repent and believe for the kingdom is at hand.”
this verse has meant more to me the last couple of years than ever before. its speaks to the reality that the kingdom of God has come particularly close to you. the kingdom of God in which all things are made new. and whole.
my own paraphrase would go something like,
“think about what God is saying to you, take it very seriously, and respond…He’s trying to rescue you.”
hebrews 4 says,
“today if you hear his voice, don’t harden your heart.”
which would give me the impression that we don’t always hear the voice of our Father so well so when something does move you, don’t take it for granted. and take your response seriously too. for if you shrug off the voice of God, you will forfeit your ability to hear and in time, your heart may be too calloused to discern the voice of God.
open your heart to him.
or you’ll miss him.
i talk a lot on my blog about hearing the voice of God. i’m thankful for the speed bumps he puts in front of me. they jolt me. they feel uncomfortable. and they remind me that Jesus is speaking to me. they remind me to listen.
the alternative would be to speed through fast enough so that i can barely feel the bumps. i’ll just keep speeding through life. making decisions based upon my deep brokenness. using coping mechanism after coping mechanism. and never really experiencing transformation.
well let me tell you, i want transformation.
i think it would be such a miracle for our situations to change. and i believe Jesus is rescuing us right now from all kinds of terrible circumstances.
and i’m confident that God will provide insurance and the money we need.
but i believe, that the real miracle, would be that i would experience personal transformation.
you can’t fake transformation. the church has done that for years. and that’s why a lot of the unbelieving world thinks that we are hypocrites.
people like to fake transformation. especially christians.
you can muscle your way into faking stuff. but you can’t muscle your way into transformation.
transformation, holiness, the true redeeming work of God cannot be mimicked.
and it comes at a cost. transformation doesn’t usually feel good. its painful at times. and it burns. its hard to bear.
that’s why i think we are tempted to bail out of transformation. it hurts. pull for another coping mechanism, and we’ll be okay.
but transformation is priceless.
its the work of an unseen God. its when he leaves his mark on a human being and they are never quite the same.
when someone experiences transformation, they become more and more of a window into heaven. people who look at them can see a little bit of what Jesus looks like. maybe just a glimmer. but its a view.
and its breathtaking.
it truly is a miracle.
i think God could answer my prayers for more children instantly. i think he could provide ben and i with all the money in the world.
he that didn’t spare his own son, but freely gave him over for us all, would he not graciously give us all things?
i just wonder if the sweetest gift in life is our transformation. that maybe we would become little windows to heaven.
maybe thats what he wants to lavish on us the most.
and i know i’m human and that i still ache and i’m still greedy, and still cling to coping mechanisms that can sometimes take me farther away from Jesus than i anticipate. but, i really ache for Jesus.
hands down, i want healing, provision, a dining room, a door to my bedroom, health, safety, fun, family, adventure, and a whole lot of love.
i believe that Jesus is opening up heaven and pouring all of these things on us.
but deep inside me is this beating desire that the world would see Jesus and that he would change us forever.