no bolting

wow. what a whirlwind i am in.

 i have to jot down my favorite quote from emri yesterday before i forget.

” mom. you can’t look at me. i’m very beautiful. you have to turn around. or your eyes will burn.”

oh dear. what? emri, you are ridiculous.

i’m sitting here friday morning. decker at my feet. emri, practicing writing her numbers on construction paper beside me. (initiated entirely by herself). i’ve been taking the last hour to read my bible, write down a few thoughts, and pray my heart out. with only a few distractions: decker barking at the seven rats in the corner of the room (caged…caged rats.)and emri needing supplies for her crafts every 15 minutes. i’m about to take emri on a visit to  st. michaels. (the school that is stealing my four year old daughter next fall). who says kids need to go to preschool? who says they need to go to school at all?  shouldn’t they just stay with us forever?

nope. a resounding nope. i know, i know. i wouldn’t really want that. but lately, i have felt a little grabby. a little clingy to my wild haired four-year-old who is so creative, charming, animated, and insanely sassy sometimes.

we’ve  started teaching her what it means to obey quickly and completely. emphasis on quickly, emphasis on completely.

because after we tell her to do something she sweetly responds,

“yes, momma”

and then proceeds to dance around the room for the next several minutes.

hmmmm.

i learn so much about my personal relationship with the Lord through emri.

but let me catch you up with my life, i’ve started working at starbucks. tuesdays, thursdays, and saturday mornings. at 5:00 am.

yep you heard me.

which means i have to wake up at freaking 3:45 am.

when i found out that i was going to have to find a second job. i grieved. i mean cried. hard. our lives are already so filled with so many things. finding a second part time job was not anywhere on my list of things i wanted to do.

what i want to do…

stay at home

have more kids.

unfortunately, i can’t have either right now.

my life feels extremely busy right now. and i’m tired a lot.

and i’m training at starbucks.

and it sucks to train.

i feel dumb.

i just feel totally dumb and in the way.

no pity party here. its just true.

its just part of the process.

and i always thought if i went back to work, i would go back to school first. and get my masters in counseling, and do something “professional”.

but that is not whats happening in my life right now.

not to sound like super spiritual higher than other people kind of people, because we really don’t feel that way at all…

but ben and i pray a lot. we really pray around the decisions in our lives and we really look to Jesus for answers.

and we do not always trust our impulses. we seek a lot of counsel. and we move forward on big decisions based on those things.

we feel like God is teaching us something so valuable right now.

and it takes everything inside me not to bolt.

its as if God is just peeling back all the layers of what i find my identity in.

my ability or inability to have kids,

being able to stay at home with em,

my career, or lack thereof,

what i am capable of producing

 all of the things i find my identity in, and its as if God is peeling back the layers. telling me who i am, a part from all of those things.

and it burns. i feel it. its painful.

but its good. its really good. and i can say that because i have tasted God in my life. and i’ve seen the things he’s done in my life. and i know. i KNOW this is Him. he’s doing something.

and i believe he is abundant with me.

i say with tears in my eyes,

like david said in psalms,

oh taste, and see that the LORD is good.

and the more i listen to his voice. and allow myself to push the breaks on all my quick decisions and my quick fixes, i can hear and experience the things that he is doing in my life.

i’m tempted to want to find my identity in

the money my family is making

my career

my ability to have kids

my time with emri

what my home looks like

what i look like

some of these are wonderful things to have. there is nothing inherently wrong with any of them. but what seems even greater, is finding out who i am a part from all that. i feel like that is the good stuff. thats freedom and real identity. we kind of believe that if we want to make an impact in the world, we have to know who we are first.

you see, more than anything, ben and i want to know Jesus and make him known. not just know God, but like hear him, see him, interact with him. enjoy him. that kind of know God. and we want to see other people know God. we see how he has restored our lives. we want to see him restore the lives of those around us.

that has been our dream forever.

and maybe God, in his creative, redeeming, faithful way, has marked our pain and has woven his redemptive answers to our prayers through this difficult season.

and we know we need to stay here at least for now.

for now. i don’t bolt. i just stay.

and as i wrap up this post, i see that my daughter has put decker to bed on the floor and i can’t resist taking a picture.

hilarious.

***

2 thoughts on “no bolting

  1. I hate training. It makes me feel dumb too. Infact of all my jobs I especially felt dumb training at starbucks. Its so unorganized and you truly do feel in the way!
    “and maybe God, in his creative, redeeming, faithful way, has marked our pain and has woven his redemptive answers to our prayers through this difficult season.” – I love this. I need to keep this in mind. Cause sometimes in the pain of life I forget that I need to be here and let God work. I search around for a way out and get frustrated that I don’t see one immediately.
    Love you. Thankful for you. And Cute kid and dog btw.

  2. Hey, are you gonna get insurance at Starbucks? p.s. you might get to sign up as a spouse with ben again on his insurance renewal date, fyi. So maybe your part-time will be only temporary? Think of it as temp-part-time. 🙂 Also, I like that you find challenge in searching for an identity apart from all those obvious things (money, beauty, quality time). I enjoy your soul-sharing, as always. xoxo

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