good news

i’m still here…

so i’m a little depressed, who cares?

i hate my job at starbucks.

there i said it. and it feels good.

i don’t regret it.

i hate it.

it feels even better saying it a second time around. hmmm. i bet it would feel even better saying i hate it out loud. emri is sitting across from me writing out words in her journal, otherwise i would shout the h word out loud, grinning in neurotic bliss.

she is so my daughter. writing in her journal. 

(i should probably take a photo. hold on.)

in case you can’t make out the words

i have to continually stop typing so i can tell emri how to spell all of her requested words

words like

jane

computer

kitchen

baby

toilet

door

barbie

house

anyway. i’ve got to quit my job. i would like a few more hours at home with my emri. lately, she’s been pulling at my hand saying,

“momma, i want to spend time with you.”

break my freaking heart.

this morning she crawled into bed with us. okay, lets be real. at 12:30 am she came in bed with us. woke me up at 6:30 am, turned my face towards hers with those little hands, and pried my eyes open saying

“lets talk together and tell stories.”

the part that is painful, is that i feel spent all the time. that i have little to give to emri and my husband.

i was reading isaiah 52 this morning.

my heart was so broken before Jesus.

in such desperate need for a restored sense of hope, peace, and faith.

in such desperate need for rest and for a new job.

isaiah 52

awake, awake,

put on your strength, o zion; put on your beautiful garments, o jerusalem, the holy city.

shake yourself from the dust and arise; be seated; oh jerusalem; loose the bonds from your neck, o captive daughter of zion.

my people shall know my name.  therefore in that day they shall know that it is i who speaks

here i am

how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings

good news

who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to zion,

your God reigns.

it was there that i moved to the floor and got on my knees. where tears were rolling off my cheeks onto the pages of my bible. where i just poured out to the Lord my dreams of having more children. for a meaningful vocation. for rest and time with my family. for discipleship. for healthy growing missional communities. for provision.

and i was reminded that i have an expectant hope.

that

my God is here

He reigns.

He is bringing good news.

 i’m not a lone. and the one who is with me has all authority. and He is bringing good news.

i kept asking myself while reading this

what would be good news?

and i had the answers immediately.

good news for my family would be

a restored sense of hope, faith, joy, and rest.

it would be

a new job

it would be

growing missional communities

it would be

authentic discipleship

it would be

adopting a child

good news would be finding out that i’m having another baby.

and as i wrote all these down in my journal, i knew instantly that good news was coming. that i truly have an expectant hope.

i continued reading in isaiah 52 and seeing a picture of the fruition of good news.

the voice of your watchman, they lift up their voice;

together they sing for joy;

for eye to eye they see

the return of the Lord to zion

break forth together into singing

you waste places of jerusalem,

for the Lord has comforted his people;

he has redeemed jersusalem

the lord has bared his holy arm

before the eyes of all the nations,

and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God.

for the Lord comforts zion

he comforts all her waste places

and makes her wilderness like eden,

her desert like the garden of the LORD

joy and gladness will be found in her

thanksgiving and the voice of song.


maybe some of those things haven’t happened yet. but i know three things.

He is here, 

He reigns,

and He’s bringing good news

***


11 thoughts on “good news

  1. kerri, i know things are rarely as they seem & perceptions of people’s lives are often not reality. i also know that what i’m about to type may sound trite, perhaps cliche. but, you have so much that people want & long for. you have this beautiful little family that has oodles and oodles of joyful memories and stories. you have chickens. you live an honest life. you have a healthy marriage. you have deep friendships. you have beautiful curly hair. your family support system is rare. every part of hating your job is valid and every part of all that you long for is real and is not selfish to want. i just hope you know that you already have what others weep on the floor for. . . once again, this isn’t to minimize or void what hurts, i just thought inserting some truth would be well to do.

  2. Oh girl. Thanks for being honest. Im thankful for you and the way u break out the goodness of the gospel even when your post started with “I’m depressed & I hate my job”…. And sorry about the job. That really is not how it should be! Love u.

  3. Praying for you, Kerri. I’m sorry this is such a difficult season… God always uses you as an encouragement and conviction in my life. The way you love the Lord and know HIM–it’s amazing. Thanks for putting your heart out there. God hears your cries and will deliver you from your troubles. You’re running to Him, and He is always pleased in that. I love you.

    1. sara- thank you for your comment. you give me the courage to keep sharing my story. 🙂 i wrestle a lot with my circumstances. but by the grace of God, i always seem to land on truth. and i will keep telling myself that same beautiful thing. HE HEARS US AND HE WILL DELIVER US. i love you back. -and. i miss you.

  4. you know how bad i am on the computor, but i want you to know how much i love you and wouldn’t want anyone else to be ben’s wife and emri’s mom.. My heart is thrilled with your desires and it breaks for your pain. I pray for you and ben and emri everyday. remember god is listening to every word with his whole heart, because he is a loving father.
    Keep your eyes on him …and when you can’t see his hand – trust his heart.

    1. mary, i want to tattoo this comment on my arm because it means so much to me. but i know how john feels about that sort of thing 🙂 so i’ll just opt to printing it out and sticking it in my bible. your words are encouragement to me and your prayers mean more to me than i can say. i love you dearly.

  5. Sacrifice begets love. And you love and sacrifice so well for your family. You are brave. You are admirable. You are pretty and skinny. And i want to be like you.

  6. I just read this randomly. This is incredible to read now, as part of our community, because he has indeed blessed you for trusting and knowing in Him and the way He loves us. I’m sure it’s fun for you to look back at this entry and remember that pain and know He has answered you specifically with a new baby boy! He is a God who knows the tenderly knit details of your heart and wants to please you. It’s encouraging to read this, even so much later from when you wrote it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s