i’m still here…
so i’m a little depressed, who cares?
i hate my job at starbucks.
there i said it. and it feels good.
i don’t regret it.
i hate it.
it feels even better saying it a second time around. hmmm. i bet it would feel even better saying i hate it out loud. emri is sitting across from me writing out words in her journal, otherwise i would shout the h word out loud, grinning in neurotic bliss.
she is so my daughter. writing in her journal.
(i should probably take a photo. hold on.)
in case you can’t make out the words
i have to continually stop typing so i can tell emri how to spell all of her requested words
anyway. i’ve got to quit my job. i would like a few more hours at home with my emri. lately, she’s been pulling at my hand saying,
“momma, i want to spend time with you.”
break my freaking heart.
this morning she crawled into bed with us. okay, lets be real. at 12:30 am she came in bed with us. woke me up at 6:30 am, turned my face towards hers with those little hands, and pried my eyes open saying
“lets talk together and tell stories.”
the part that is painful, is that i feel spent all the time. that i have little to give to emri and my husband.
i was reading isaiah 52 this morning.
my heart was so broken before Jesus.
in such desperate need for a restored sense of hope, peace, and faith.
in such desperate need for rest and for a new job.
put on your strength, o zion; put on your beautiful garments, o jerusalem, the holy city.
shake yourself from the dust and arise; be seated; oh jerusalem; loose the bonds from your neck, o captive daughter of zion.
my people shall know my name. therefore in that day they shall know that it is i who speaks
here i am
how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings
who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to zion,
your God reigns.
it was there that i moved to the floor and got on my knees. where tears were rolling off my cheeks onto the pages of my bible. where i just poured out to the Lord my dreams of having more children. for a meaningful vocation. for rest and time with my family. for discipleship. for healthy growing missional communities. for provision.
and i was reminded that i have an expectant hope.
my God is here
He is bringing good news.
i’m not a lone. and the one who is with me has all authority. and He is bringing good news.
i kept asking myself while reading this
what would be good news?
and i had the answers immediately.
good news for my family would be
a restored sense of hope, faith, joy, and rest.
it would be
a new job
it would be
growing missional communities
it would be
it would be
adopting a child
good news would be finding out that i’m having another baby.
and as i wrote all these down in my journal, i knew instantly that good news was coming. that i truly have an expectant hope.
i continued reading in isaiah 52 and seeing a picture of the fruition of good news.
the voice of your watchman, they lift up their voice;
together they sing for joy;
for eye to eye they see
the return of the Lord to zion
break forth together into singing
you waste places of jerusalem,
for the Lord has comforted his people;
he has redeemed jersusalem
the lord has bared his holy arm
before the eyes of all the nations,
and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God.
for the Lord comforts zion
he comforts all her waste places
and makes her wilderness like eden,
her desert like the garden of the LORD
joy and gladness will be found in her
thanksgiving and the voice of song.
maybe some of those things haven’t happened yet. but i know three things.
He is here,
and He’s bringing good news