my house feels extra quiet this morning.
i don’t hear the sound of decker walking around our wooden floors.
i didn’t need to let him out to go to the bathroom this morning.
he didn’t sit at our feet while emri and i read her bible this morning.
i didn’t feed him.
i did the laundry and cleaned out an embarassing amount of rotten food in the fridge.
i bought groceries last week and didn’t even make a meal….once.
i have felt pretty bitter the last two days.
not just because decker had cancer i don’t think.
but because i couldn’t find Jesus in this situation. and i usually can see grace or mercy or healing in situations.
and for whatever reason, my vision has just been blurred
and i cannot see.
jesus, where are you?
i’ve asked this several times this week. in an angry bitter way. i say that honestly because i think God can handle my tantrums. i think he’s okay with me being honest. i think he needs that from me.
i didn’t want to open my bible this morning. instead i opted to read emri’s bible to her.
here is what i read.
“i don’t know where Jesus is!” mary said urgently, ‘ i can’t find him”
but it was all right. jesus knew where she was. and he found her.
(i think i could have stopped reading there. those two lines meant everything to me.)
only one person said her name like that. she could hear her heart thumping. she turned around. she could just make out a figure. she shaded her eyes to see. and thought she was dreaming.
but she wasn’t dreaming. she was seeing.
mary fell to the ground. sudden tears filled her eyes and great sobs shook her whole body, and all she wanted in that moment was to cling to Jesus and never let him go.
“you’ll be able to hold on to me later, mary,” Jesus said gently, “and always be close to me…
but now, go and tell others that i’m alive.”
i think thats all i needed to hear today.
what i read softened my heart and some of the bitterness melted away.