i think everyone feels poor in some area of their life at times. at least tempted to feel poor.
maybe poor in relationships. poor in family. poor in living out their calling. poor in joy. poor in vocation. poor in fertility. poor in confidence. poor in marriage. poor in health. poor in _____.
i feel poor in finances. and much like anything else we feel poor in. it hits our very core. and harasses our sense of identity. and our view of God. because if God is in control, why wouldn’t he at all times, make every circumstance right?
i fear having to go back to work. and the thought of working again like before makes me feel heart broken. and sometimes heartache turns into anger. and sometimes anger turns into bitterness. and bitterness is ugly. and i don’t want to become bitter.
i shared before on my blog that i’m memorizing scripture. and how i’m not even opening my bible because i have a little book of verses that i’ve been writing out and reading over. and over. and over again.
these verses our saving me. they are becoming like oxygen to me. like breath.
ben and i are moving forward into working for our church and we are beginning to raise support. and i cringe at the thought of burdening anyone about money.
we were hoping that all this leather that ben received would sell. and it simply hasn’t. and we are aware that there is a lot of frontier that we are trying to pioneer all at once.
like a new baby
a new leather business making leather goods
selling hides of leather
integrating the leadership training program at our church into our lives
all the while, ben is working as a teacher full time.
and leading missional communities.
all of that is enough to make me feel panicky. and poor in money.
God has provided for us. always. but its easy to forget that when i see the mountain that is before us. i hate that money is such a battle for my family. i’m tired of battling it. and man is it humbling.
so what happens when i’m wearied in the battle? when the battle is harassing my sense of identity and my perception of God?
i go to the little book of verses that i keep with me at all times. the verses that are beginning to clamp together like links in a chain. grounding me upon truth. to protect me from fear. because these verses are already flowing through my mind, when i asked Jesus to speak to me, they came back at me. here is what i heard.
God, who do you say that i am?
speak to me, Jesus. its hard to hear your voice. i’m afraid.
i’m bringing good news.
blessed are those who are poor and realize their need for me, the kingdom is theirs.
you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours.
all the gods of the peoples are worthless idols, but i made the heavens.
splendor and majesty are before me.
strength and beauty are in my sanctuary.
if i am for you, what is against you?
i didn’t spare Jesus, my own son, (your samuel) but gave him up for you. why would i not also, freely give you all things?
i will be surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. as soon as i hear, i answer you, kerri.
i will be the stability of your times. abundance of salvation, wisdom and knowledge. you and ben will grow like cedars in lebanon, kerri. you will flourish in my courts. you will still bear fruit in old age, you are ever full of sap and green.
i can’t not have compassion on you, kerri. i cannot forget you.
i have engraved you on my hands. you are always on my mind. i will comfort you. i will comfort your broken places. i will make your hurting places like the garden of eden. i will restore it. the kingdom will come, kerri.
i will make your desert like the garden of the LORD. joy and gladness will be found in you. thanksgiving and the voice of song.