emri is having a hard time. she doesn’t know why. ben and i do. this transition has been super hard for her. the wildest things are coming out of her mouth. and i do not know how to discipline her. i’m at a loss. and i get so angry. and then i feel so guilty. and then i try again. and then i fail. and then i’m angry. and then i feel guilty again. and then…you know.
lately she’s been pretending to button her eyes and mouth closed when i’m talking to her. when i’m trying to parent her, she’s got everything closed. i’ll tell her to open her eyes. and then she “unbuttons” an eye for a second and then “buttons” it back together.
what a goober.
and i’m an even bigger goober for engaging her. one frizzy haired mother still in her jammies yelling “emri, unbutton your eye right now!”
here’s the deal. i had 1-4 all figured out. we were smooth sailing. i was proud of myself for coasting through parenting. with only a few minor glitches.
now if i could just speak to the one who put me in charge of emri. i would say.
“listen. i don’t think i can do this well. in fact, i’ve already screwed things up. would you please take over for me? i don’t have a clue as to what i’m doing. and…(nervous giggle) its kind of freaking me out for when she’s a teenager. and i don’t want to hurt her. i only want to help her. and i haven’t got a clue right now. and i’m quite tired. do you think you could also give me a weekend get a way? maybe to a beach somewhere? a fancy hotel? a new swimsuit with a new non-pregnant body in it? thank you. i promise i’ll be back. i’m just at the end of myself. and i seem to not be managing things well.”
my conversation with Jesus was sort of like that this morning. no, he didn’t give me a weekend get-a-way. he’s more creative than that.
he did give me a new sense of hope. a sense of rest. and a sense of gratitude. and he did remind me of a story.
when the multitudes were following Jesus. they were following him because he was saying radical things they had never heard before. stories of generosity and mercy. stories of loving your neighbor and forgiveness. stories of faith. hope. love. and gratitude. stories of redemption free to all. rich or poor. it was infectious. the multitudes crowded him. they left their homes. got lost in the time of day. were without food.
Jesus, realized they were hungry and had compassion. he wanted to feed them. the disciples had no clue how. a little boy said he had five loaves of bread and two fish. (of course it was a little boy. little kids have faith)
Jesus said, i’ll take what you have.
he knew it wasn’t enough. so did the child. so did the disciples.
what they had wasn’t enough.
but Jesus still wanted it.
because he had plans to multiply it. and he did.
everyone in the crowd ate until they were full. and they still had more left.
what a miracle.
what we have isn’t enough. and that’s okay. but we still have to give what we have to Jesus. knowing that he will make it enough.
that is the story he gave me. its okay i don’t have a clue. i still need to give him what i have. he’ll make it enough. somehow.
and that is a miracle.
those miracles are better than weekend get-a-ways anyway.
trust in the LORD forever.God is an everlasting ROCK.
fear not nor be afraid. is there a god beside me?
there is no rock, i know not any. -isaiah 26/44