close enough to touch him.

at the turn of 2014 ben and i sat down and prayerfully looked at 2013. we spent time talking and remembering. joyously recounting the miracle baby that entered our lives. and the new one that continues to prove her growth and existence by seemingly somersaulting in my womb. tiny pokes of new life have grown into stronger movements and every time i feel them i remember my infertility and the ache i carried to feel them.  i remember the pain and longing for new life. i remember how hard it was to maintain hope. i remember when hope almost died completely. we buried her in the grave dismissing our longing for more children. and i remember when hope came back to life as Jesus spoke redemptive words over us. and i remember that positive pregnancy test that sent me into a loud cry in of course that familiar target bathroom because i cannot seem to wait until i get home. tears. joy. laughter.

i remember the words Jesus spoke to me in 2012.

i am here.

i reign.

i am bringing good news.

i held on to those words and they anchored our family. those words resurrected hope.

he always waits with a creative redemptive plan to counter the brokenness in our lives.

if we can get close enough to touch him. redemption will come. healing will surface.

good news awaits.

ben and i sat in a coffee shop and continued to write out thoughts of what the new year might bring.

we declared some things over our family and i declared some things personally for me.

i look back at the last 15 years of my life and i see where the Lord has healed things within me. and i see now at 32 how God is still reaching into my soul and drawing out the dirt, continually healing me. making me new.

one thing i feel the Lord speaking over me for 2014, is to stop comparing my story with someone else’s.

and to stop worrying if i have enough.

if i’m going to follow Jesus into the places he is leading my family and i, i have to stop worrying if we have enough.

doesn’t Jesus know our every need?

what if we followed Jesus without worrying about what will happen to us if we follow?

does Jesus not take care of us?

i tell you by experience that God is a God who provides in rich and surprising ways. this is the story of my family.

my prayer for my life in 2014 is that i would stop worrying if i have enough and that God would eradicate insecurity and comparison.

nobody’s story is the same. i’ve got to stop comparing myself with others.

its death. and i’m staking my claim into the ground. i refuse to let comparison and insecurity live in me. i’ll fight this battle to the death.

as i’ve declared these things to Jesus, as i’ve shared it with others, as i’ve given Jesus all access to the brokenness in my heart, trusting his tenderness with me. his love for me. his plans for me. i’m beginning to feel healing in the most tender places. i feel freedom coming in a new way.

i faced a small battle of comparison and worry this morning. as i was driving i spoke these words to Jesus,

“if i can just touch you this morning, you will heal me of the destruction of insecurity, worry, and comparison.”

and i felt as though at that moment, he instantly did.

i want to follow Jesus where ever he leads. wherever that is. whatever that costs us.

that’s our anthem for 2014.

***

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