i really hate comparison. we all know that we aren’t supposed to compare. we know that its toxic. and ugly. and destructive. i’m quite a aware that it steals joy and robs my mind of space and clarity and good things.
but sometimes it sort of just comes out of nowhere. its already present before i even become aware of it.
i think for me. at least right now. with a million pregnancy hormones wrattling away in my bulging body….i keep coming back to comparison. juvenile sometimes it feels. am i really still dealing with this?
the answer is yes. yes, i am. and the only reason i answer that question honestly is because i want out.
i need Jesus so despreately in this.
i want to know through whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, we are rich beyond what we could ever dream.
i told the women in my discipleship group that ben and i want to be a family that is much a like a strong tree. a tree large and wide enough to create shade and refuge for others. large trees have large root systems. when i think of the root system hidden beneath the ground of a gigantic tree…. it moves me. i’m totally in awe of it.
it takes a long time for a root system like that to develop. ben and i want that. an infatstructure of support where nutrients flow continually through our veins. a root system that allows us to grow beyond our capacities.
and then i think of how the holy spirit is so much like the nutrients, the water, that runs through the veins of a tree.
and how necessary the water is. there is no life outside of it. i want the Holy Spirit to move freely through our lives.
and if i can pinpiont something that is clogging that. or something that resists the movement of God’s spirit in my life. it would definitely be comparision.
so i started thinking about what things in my life give way to comparison for me. at least right now.
and however juvenile it may sound. i knew. it was instagram. facebook. and pinterest.
i don’t know why it so embarassing to admit that. i think its because i want to believe i’m better than that. or…that i have so many wonderful, busy, productive, fascinating things going on in my life, i don’t have time to get wrapped up in comparison.
the funny thing….is that i do have fascinating things going on in my life and for whatever fuzzy inconspicuous reason, sometimes those things make me feel like i don’t.
and so i fail to see how extraordinary my life is.
and so for now i’ve been fasting from a few things. not bad things. just things that don’t give life right now. because i want Jesus to move freely. i want to make room for him.
i want to hear his voice. i want him to remind me of his goodness. and hope. i want to grab hold of gratitude in a sustaining way and good grief…my obsession with my life and biggering and bettering and blah blah blah.
i guess what i’m saying… is that its not okay for me to be so distracted with my life and not make a meal for my neighbors across the street who probably could really use a dinner right now with all that they have going on. or even just a reminder that there are people around them that know that what they are going through matters.
i want to live a life that matters. i don’t want to give my life away to project after project that promises to make things better.
what if less is more? and what if less means fewer distractions and more of what really matters? i think its worth thinking about. its definitely worth putting my phone down. or closing my computer or turning off the tv…and making space for people and recounting the goodness and redemptive things that God has done and what He could do, if we made some room for him.