two hours by myself.
light is pouring gently through the widows. i still hear the ending sounds of summer. the defeaning and strangely comforting sound of sacadas are still being heard through my opened windows. the weather is cool and smooth with still just enough warmth to keep me sitting here without a blanket.
i have two hours of time alone. and as a grateful mother of 3, that feels necessary. being a mother has made me stronger. less preoccupied with myself. which feels like freedom in a way. it continues to temper and strengthen me. i’m constantly at the end of myself. and according to scripture, that’s a beautiful place to be. that’s when the miracles happen. that’s when change begins. that’s when ashes are turned into beauty. its when something dies and is reborn into something more lovely than before. thats where Jesus is waiting for you.
and here i write. i write because i love to. i think its because my mind can easily start spinning as soon as the day begins and i find myself with my frizzy head, left over make up from the day before, spit up and breast milk covering my outdated clothes that don’t quite fit me at the moment. running around my house trying desperately to meet all the demands of the day. and especially as a mother, my brain can be especially foggy. and my head can spin. writing pins down all the floating thoughts in my heart, and mind that can get lost in the whirl of it all. writing reminds me that I can hear the voice of Jesus in my life. it reminds me that if i stop and make room, his voice can be louder than the noise.
and i’ve prayed repeatedly that i would hear his voice. in it all. in the stilness. in the chatter. in the cries. in the toys thrown about. in the diaper changes. and constant pounding of little feet on my wooden floors. in the laughter. and in the exhaustion. when i get sleep and when i don’t. in the disorder. when i want more. when i want more of what i think i need or want… more space or time, more vacation, or clothes, home… or even more mission, money, influence, vocation, adventure or opportunity…i’ve begged that his voice would breakthrough and would break the cedars of the chaos in my mind. ever since i read psalms 29:5 ” the voice of the LORD splits the mighty cedars.” – i can’t get that image out of my mind. surely, his voice can break through the defeaning demands of my day.
i crave his voice. i crave its gentleness. its kindness. its warmth as it hems me in.
the voice of Jesus leads me to the tender places of my heart. the places that are sometimes avoided. they are avoided because its work. but the work is worth it. its where the healing takes place. that is where you find Jesus alive, real, and breathing. its where you know him best. and that is what changes you forever. and don’t we all crave that our hearts would change? that we would be freed from the things that blurr, inflict pain, and distract? from the things that torment and leave us stuck in ourselves or in other transient things? transformation is rare and precious…and promised to all. but its costly and requires all. and i want it.
he only wants to heal us.
he only wants to fill our lives with good things.
he only wants to empower us and set us free.
ephesians says that we all are incredibly gifted. each and every one of us. it says that our presence and involvement in community are necessary. that you have work to do, that only you can do. a destiny that only you can fill. there is a unique spot for everyone in the presence of community for the glory of GOD and the expansion of his kingdom. community needs you. and you need them. “a cog in some great machinery” we truly are as fleet foxes says in their songs.
but how disconnected are we from the real design i wonder?
often times the Lord has major heart work to do in us before he releases and sends us out. we will never “arrive” before we are sent out, but we must always keep a sensitive ear to the heart of the Father as he shepherds us through life and be quick to pay attention to the work he is doing in our lives, as he breathes life into our soul and tempers our character.
we have ground to take with one another. we have places to go. keep an inclined ear and see what might happen.